Moving to Florida? Hell No!

So today being the day before Valentines Day and all I wanted to reflect on a rather amazing moment of clarity I just had a few weeks ago.

Mom and I were talking and ultimately getting into an argument about where we would move to. She was saying how we may have to move out of state to somewhere like Florida or the Carolinas. All I could do was scream and cry. And my mind went blank, except for one thing. Or one person. I love my family like there is no tomorrow and they are always on my mind and heart like my beautiful friends, who are in every way like family. But it wasn't any of them. It was him. And by him, I'm going to refer to him as "M". I couldn't stand the thought of leaving M. I can't stand the thought of even being away from M for the day. No were not dating and ironically I'm not sure if I want to date him right now at this time. But I knew that if I leave I would never see him again. 

M and I have a weird yet funny history. Nothing romantic unless you mean the cute little flirting but there is something there. (There is so much more.) The look we share with one another. Our dreams, our hopes, our ambitions, our goals. We want the same things out of life. We enjoy the same hobbies, yet we have some hobbies for just ourselves to enjoy. 
There are nights when I dream of M with his gorgeous smile and his beautiful voice. Than I will see little things that remind me of him. Every day when I go out his name is on a sign, either on the LIE or Commack Rd or Sunrise Hwy. I can't escape him.  Not that I would want to either. The other day I was driving home from babysitting when I had to pull over immediately as I wasn't feeling to well. Thanks to the snow and ice I couldn't turn around easily, so I had to drive down the street to the nearest cross street. They weren't streets I've ever taken before so the street I turned down was a true surprise to me. It was called Wall St. Wall Street happens to be the name of a very popular nightclub in Hauppauge on Long Island that he owns and manages. It's funny when you aren't looking that things really start to fall into place. 
We'll I shouldn't look some more so we can see just how great things can actually get. ;) 
😙 
I'm excited and so happy. As I know there is a future for us somewhere, somehow, sometime but just what kind kinda scares me. But in a great way. A way that I've never experienced. 

Here's to New Beginnings; )

A Little Behind Schedule

I'm a little late to the 2015 party. 
I'm sorry.
If you follow me on Facebook or instagram you already know just how crazy everything is right now.
But to fill you in better let me start from the beginning. 

On January 1st 2015 I had a dream that felt so incredibly real it was bizarre. We'll in my dream I was at Mike's beach. I saw myself walking along the beach, finally coming to a spot and sitting. Watching the water and the beautiful sunset pass. I was crying. Than all of a sudden Mike appeared, walked over to me, and put his arms around me as if to comfort me. His embrace felt so real that when I woke up, I still felt him holding onto me. 

January 2nd came like any other day. However little did I know this day was ultimately the beginning of the end. My Grandmother was slipping farther and farther away. This day she was finding trouble trying to walk herself to the bathroom. My mother and my Grandmothers aid had to get the wheelchair to the bathroom to help her back. You see, my Grandmother is a very stubborn, old school italian woman, who never went to the Doctor or anything. So for her to agree to go to the Hospital was actually quite scary. Than I realized what Mike was telling me about the night before. 

January 18th was another normal day. Mom went to visit Grandma in the Hospital in the morning. Than she came home and we went to an amazing Irish pub/Restaurant in Blue Point (NY) called Cavanaughs. It was the last Sunday before the Superbowl game. The championship finals. 3:05pm the game started between the Seahawks and the Packers. It was only the second game of the season I was able to watch, thanks to work. 3:15 came we just got our food and the game was really starting up when Mom got a call from the Hospital. It was the Nurses from my Grandmothers unit saying that she had slipped into Cardiac Arrest and that the Doctors were working on her at that moment. The amount of time it took for me to run through the restaurant grab the bill, and pay was less than a minute. A typical 30 min drive back to West Islip would take only 15 Min.  We arrived at the Hospital, jumped out of the car and ran in. The Nurses and Doctors were still in her room, they just got her back. She was undergoing a few heart tests and having everything monitored. She would be transferred back up to ICU that night. 
That night only grew worse as our fears became a reality. The Nurse from ICU said that all her tests were coming back bad. They gave her a matter of hours. 

January 19th 2015. Grandma was still in ICU and still sedated as they had to put an arterial blood pressure valve in to better monitor her. She was still doing terrible. Our entire family was notified. Some even came up. I was thankful to have a few moments alone with her before hand. I explained to her that she didn't need to be afraid to leave us because it was now her time to be happy and to take care of herself. She was finally able to be with her Husband and her sister again. I told her all about Mike and how he will make her laugh and probably pee her pants. I heard a faint "uh huh"  coming from her. Even though apart of me knew she wasn't truly there anymore, I know she knew and that she understood. Better yet I knew that she was in control. 3:30 all the machines went off, and slowly her time here on Earth came to an end. She passed away around 4:30pm that same day. It was terrible. I held her hand as she passed away, crying, and feeling blessed and beyond honored to have had my amazing and courageous Grandmother for so long. 

Since than things have been crazy! 
We have been in the process of selling our home. We have been cleaning whenever possible. Today (February 13th) I just finished cleaning out the entire basement. 
Tomorrow we are sheetrocking, spackling, painting, and clearing out more garbage. We have our Realtor who is so nice and helpful. So all is going well but so much at once it's almost nuts. 

Than there are certain people in my family who can't keep their noses out of our business. It's really irritating. Almost insinuating that were stupid and don't have a brain between us. Since my Grandmother passed a member of our family felt the need to tell the entire family, including the extended family, some of which I don't even know, that we are having financial issues. So since last month, we have been receiving checks from family members all over the country. It's sad. Than they try and tell us what to do with OUR HOUSE again as If were brain dead. It's a punch in the throat if you ask me. I don't even want to see them right now. It's humiliating. 

I have been unemployed since December 26th, I'm ok with it as there is so much for me to do right now.  

I am glad to announce that after so long I have finally found my religion again. I was a total mess without it but now I feel whole again. Like nothing and noone could ever bring me down again. I'm honored to have my faith back and to have been welcomed back to my church by so many. 

I won't complain as complaining gets you nowhere. I explain the events as they happen, to better understand. I know God has plans for me bigger than I have for myself. I trust him before anyone and everyone else. So even if it seems my day isn't going the way I anticipated it, God made it this way because in the end it could always be worse. I wake up everyday, happy, healthy, sheltered, with clothes, food, water, family, and friends, a reliable form of transportation, love in my heart and a brain in my head. I'm me and that's all I ever need to be. 

So that's what has been happening since New Years. I hope everyone has been well.

The New Me

After this past year

after two cancer scares

I live my life to its fullest

I live with pride

I live with dedication

I love without fear

I love without consequence.

My life may have changed

but ultimately it was for the better

I have a greater and deeper understanding for my life

I deeper and greater love 

for my life

I'm ready for what comes next

I know that no matter what happens I'll make it through

I'll stand tall

I'll stand proud

I'm happy

I'm excited

I'm proud

My new life

my new chapter

my new me

Love it or leave it.

I'll stay me.

Loving this tattoo. Especially for if or when I become a mother.

I want the wording to be that of the Corinthians 13. "Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind"

Would love these as my tribute to my cat Simba who passed away just over a year ago. 

With his paw prints.

                  
Does it really need a caption? 

...

preferably behind my ear just don't know of an exact design.

56 Years

Today would've marked my Grandparents 56th Wedding Anniversary. 

It's still so hard going through each and every day without my Grandfather

But ever since he passed I have always found little signs to let me know he's still here.

A James Patterson book I found on the beach (his favorite Author; and a book he didn't have)

A cloud in the sky of Angel wings, when my cat needed surgery and had several factors against him (he was a huge animal lover)

And just some very intricate details, signs.

Today I had to work.

It was difficult and at times a little hard because I couldn't help thinking of him and wondering if he was proud

It scares me to think whether or not if he would be

Just miss him so much. 

Happy 56th Anniversary! I love you!

Here's To New Beginnings

On September 29th, 

I received the phone call I've been waiting for.

Almost ten months, I have been unemployed. 

Don't get me wrong I love the kids I babysit for, 

But I really hate not having a stable income.

So that afternoon, 

I received the phone call that a position was mine if I wanted it.

I immediately broke down crying.

I was offered a part-time position with Ulta (Patchogue), as a  Fragrance Consultant.

I'm so excited to start this next chapter in my life. 

It's by far the greatest thing that's happened to me in a very long time. 

Even so, that Rob (my relatively new boyfriend) took me out to dinner and was so excited for me.

He works at a Deli and it just so happened he had done a double shift that day. 

So he got in at 5am and left at 8pm. 

We usually just hang out, make dinner, watch some movies and pass out. 

Instead he didn't even go home to shower

All he wanted to do was hear all about my new job. 

I feel pretty Damn good.

A wonderful, supportive and simply amazing boyfriend

And a pretty incredible new job. 

Saturday is my official start day

And I'm so excited. 

On other subjects,

I was reading my Facebook news feed and came across a friends "shared" post.

It was about the Top 40 abandoned but beautiful places throughout the world  

I was curious and read through it.

Some looked very scary like a scary movie but than there were some that absolutely just took your breathe away.

Than I came across the Disneyland Discovery Island. It closed on April 8th 1999.

What's ironic about it is that 10 months before 

My family and friends and I were there 

Celebrating my 8th birthday. 

For years we would go down to Disney for my birthday.

I remember how it always rained.

This particular trip we went on, 

Of course it rained

But we always made the best of it.

There was a roller coaster going around the tree

There was little boat rides throughout the lake

And than we had birthday cake under the little bamboo hut type overhang

It was awesome

Of course there was also hula girls dancing too.

Looking back I really feel terrible for them.

Dancing in the rain, thunder and lighting

I hope they got at least overtime type pay.

We'll moving on to present day.

Mike was always on the trips too, with his family.

So after I read the article 

I put my phone down and just did ordinary things. 

I flipped my TV channel to the music station.

Immediately the song ends and another came on.

The song was "Come To Me" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

It was Mike and his fiancés song.

My eyes quickly go to his picture on my fridge. 

I could swear it sparkled. 

Than I got all the shivers.

It was Mike.

Reminiscing about our Disney adventures and looking through the pictures. 

It's still the hardest thing in the world

To acknowledge that he isn't here anymore.

That I have to live without my "Big Brother". 

No more hugs

No more kisses

No more crazy random moments

No more fights

No more making up

I'll never see him again

At least not in this world.

But when I do,

I even told him,

His ass will be kicked. 

One Day, One Step, One Breathe at a Time

This past year my family was hit with tragedy after tragedy after tragedy.

At times I felt like I was punched in the stomach and couldn't breathe. 

The pain continued to grow as parts of my life came to a grinding halt. 

I never let my family see just how badly I was hurting. 

I wanted to be the strong one. 

I felt like that was my duty. 

I wasn't the daughter of the father who passed, or the daughter, granddaughter or niece of the woman who passed. 

I was me.

Simply just me.

I was the granddaughter of the man who passed away in front of his family. 

I was the great niece of the remarkable woman who gave so much to so many.

I was me.

I wanted to take care of my family.

On January 6th 2014, my Great Aunt passed away very unexpectedly.

She was everything to my family.

Hell she still is. 

She helped so much with my elderly grandparents. 

Taking them to Doctors Appointments, out to eat, vacations, sitting with them, etc.

She passed away on her sisters birthday.

Being a full Christian woman,

I have so many questions for God. 

I still don't know why he would let so much hurt and pain come into our lives.

May 16th 2014,

My grandfather passed away in the Hospital.

He was surrounded by loved ones; including myself.

I don't wish for anyone to witness a loved one dying if they had a choice, 

But for me there was no question about it.

This man watched me come into the world.

He gave me a home, food, shelter, clothing, etc.

All I wanted was to give back to him.

Last year we lost a great soul.

On August 7th 2013, a dear friend of mine had passed in his sleep.

He was always like a big brother to me. 

So much that, we were raised together.

We fought like brother and sister.

And we made up like brother and sister.

He protected me, and I him.

He made me laugh when all I wanted to do was give up and cry.

He made me believe in myself.

He gave me loyalty, respect, joy and love. 

A couple of years before he passed, we suffered a terrible fight. 

One that we were never able to recover from.

One that I will always blame myself for. 

One that I think about each and every single day since The Lord took him away.

He was 25. 

He was engaged to a phenomenal woman.

(The one I mentioned above)

He was a father to a beautiful baby girl.

A step father to three wonderful young men.

And unbeknownst to him,

He would father a second little girl. 

One his fiancé found out only two weeks after he passed.

Since he passed,

I feel him everywhere.

I dream of him.

And in my dreams he is as real as you and I.

My first dream was the night after he died.

Our friends and family 

Went to the ends of the earth to bring him home. 

In a distance we saw him, sitting on a beach, his arms wrapped around his knees,

Just looking at the water.

We walked over to him.

He got up and simply said,

"What took you so long?" 

Of course with his infamous, smile and those tantalizing dimples.

My second dream was only a couple of months ago.

You see I'm a General Hospital fan (and yes only 23yrs old)

So in my dream I was getting out of my car and walking to our neighborhood deli. 

I was walking across the street when I see a black stretch limo pull up into the driveway of the elementary school.

(The deli being right next door)

The door opens and out walks, Jason Thompson (better known as Dr Patrick Drake). I immediately ask, "well who did you pick Robin or Sabrina?"

(This was around the same time Robin came back from the dead the first time, when she ruined Patrick and Sabrina's wedding)

His reply was, "Sabrina of course." 

We laughed and continued to talk for a bit and than he left.

I go to turn around and walk to the deli but I hear. 

"YO!"

I turn around and there he is. 

His arms out like "WTF?" 

I immediately feel myself running towards him and jumping in his arms.

It felt so real I couldn't believe it was a dream.

I remember we both had these huge smiles on our faces. 

Like as if to say the nightmare was over. Everything's finally going to be ok.

Than I heard myself talking. 

"Your finally home" I whispered in his ear.

His reply, 

"I'm finally home." 

Our eyes were closed. Our smiles brighter than any star or the sun.

Just like that I woke up.

It hurt waking up but it was amazing to see him and to hold him and to hear his voice.

I couldn't wait to go back to sleep and see him there again.

Since he passed away,

I've been going to what we all call, Michaels Beach. 

It was the last beach he walked too, four days before he passed.

He looked fragile, fatigued, weak, anything but himself. 

Every time I go I feel him with every breathe I take, every step I take it feels like I'm getting closer and closer.

There's little things that make realize he's really there. 

Hearts in the sand, balloons for birthdays or anniversaries, a red cup, beach glass, rocks and seashells in the shapes of hearts, or even a red fox on the beach in the winter time. 

Ever since he passed, there has been this red cup in the same spot every single day. 

It survived snow storms, horrible weather, and a year. 

It shows me that he's still partying it up, up with the big boys. 

One day when I was taking pictures, 

I saw this picture. 

And it looked odd.

Now I'm very notorious for taking care of my photography equipment

So I knew there was nothing in my camera. 

No sand no water nothing. 

(His mother is the same way. Actually I'm photogenic because of her. She's almost like my Teacher.)

But this picture almost seemed distorted.

I looked closer when I got home and put it on my computer. 

And I saw something so surreal.

I saw him. 

His outline. 

His smile, with his dimples.

His blue outer shirt with a white collared shirt underneath.

And standing next to him was his golden retriever.

I couldn't believe it.

I mean I believe in spirits and the after life and fate.

But this made me a true believer. 

Here in front of my face, was the man we said goodbye to months before.

Looking up at the sky.

Smiling. 

As if to say, "it's ok. I'm ok."

Because of him, my aunt and Grandfather, I push myself to be better every single day.

I try to have the patience I need with my Grandmother.

Being over 60% italian, and the rest being Irish, German, Swedish and French, patience is really not my thing. 

So let's say it's a work in progress. 

My Mike pictures from the beach.

The picture that gave me the strength to believe in things larger than this life.