So today being the day before Valentines Day and all I wanted to reflect on a rather amazing moment of clarity I just had a few weeks ago.
Mom and I were talking and ultimately getting into an argument about where we would move to. She was saying how we may have to move out of state to somewhere like Florida or the Carolinas. All I could do was scream and cry. And my mind went blank, except for one thing. Or one person. I love my family like there is no tomorrow and they are always on my mind and heart like my beautiful friends, who are in every way like family. But it wasn't any of them. It was him. And by him, I'm going to refer to him as "M". I couldn't stand the thought of leaving M. I can't stand the thought of even being away from M for the day. No were not dating and ironically I'm not sure if I want to date him right now at this time. But I knew that if I leave I would never see him again.
M and I have a weird yet funny history. Nothing romantic unless you mean the cute little flirting but there is something there. (There is so much more.) The look we share with one another. Our dreams, our hopes, our ambitions, our goals. We want the same things out of life. We enjoy the same hobbies, yet we have some hobbies for just ourselves to enjoy.
There are nights when I dream of M with his gorgeous smile and his beautiful voice. Than I will see little things that remind me of him. Every day when I go out his name is on a sign, either on the LIE or Commack Rd or Sunrise Hwy. I can't escape him. Not that I would want to either. The other day I was driving home from babysitting when I had to pull over immediately as I wasn't feeling to well. Thanks to the snow and ice I couldn't turn around easily, so I had to drive down the street to the nearest cross street. They weren't streets I've ever taken before so the street I turned down was a true surprise to me. It was called Wall St. Wall Street happens to be the name of a very popular nightclub in Hauppauge on Long Island that he owns and manages. It's funny when you aren't looking that things really start to fall into place.
We'll I shouldn't look some more so we can see just how great things can actually get. ;)
😙
I'm excited and so happy. As I know there is a future for us somewhere, somehow, sometime but just what kind kinda scares me. But in a great way. A way that I've never experienced.
Here's to New Beginnings; )
Friday, February 13, 2015
A Little Behind Schedule
I'm a little late to the 2015 party.
I'm sorry.
If you follow me on Facebook or instagram you already know just how crazy everything is right now.
But to fill you in better let me start from the beginning.
On January 1st 2015 I had a dream that felt so incredibly real it was bizarre. We'll in my dream I was at Mike's beach. I saw myself walking along the beach, finally coming to a spot and sitting. Watching the water and the beautiful sunset pass. I was crying. Than all of a sudden Mike appeared, walked over to me, and put his arms around me as if to comfort me. His embrace felt so real that when I woke up, I still felt him holding onto me.
January 2nd came like any other day. However little did I know this day was ultimately the beginning of the end. My Grandmother was slipping farther and farther away. This day she was finding trouble trying to walk herself to the bathroom. My mother and my Grandmothers aid had to get the wheelchair to the bathroom to help her back. You see, my Grandmother is a very stubborn, old school italian woman, who never went to the Doctor or anything. So for her to agree to go to the Hospital was actually quite scary. Than I realized what Mike was telling me about the night before.
January 18th was another normal day. Mom went to visit Grandma in the Hospital in the morning. Than she came home and we went to an amazing Irish pub/Restaurant in Blue Point (NY) called Cavanaughs. It was the last Sunday before the Superbowl game. The championship finals. 3:05pm the game started between the Seahawks and the Packers. It was only the second game of the season I was able to watch, thanks to work. 3:15 came we just got our food and the game was really starting up when Mom got a call from the Hospital. It was the Nurses from my Grandmothers unit saying that she had slipped into Cardiac Arrest and that the Doctors were working on her at that moment. The amount of time it took for me to run through the restaurant grab the bill, and pay was less than a minute. A typical 30 min drive back to West Islip would take only 15 Min. We arrived at the Hospital, jumped out of the car and ran in. The Nurses and Doctors were still in her room, they just got her back. She was undergoing a few heart tests and having everything monitored. She would be transferred back up to ICU that night.
That night only grew worse as our fears became a reality. The Nurse from ICU said that all her tests were coming back bad. They gave her a matter of hours.
January 19th 2015. Grandma was still in ICU and still sedated as they had to put an arterial blood pressure valve in to better monitor her. She was still doing terrible. Our entire family was notified. Some even came up. I was thankful to have a few moments alone with her before hand. I explained to her that she didn't need to be afraid to leave us because it was now her time to be happy and to take care of herself. She was finally able to be with her Husband and her sister again. I told her all about Mike and how he will make her laugh and probably pee her pants. I heard a faint "uh huh" coming from her. Even though apart of me knew she wasn't truly there anymore, I know she knew and that she understood. Better yet I knew that she was in control. 3:30 all the machines went off, and slowly her time here on Earth came to an end. She passed away around 4:30pm that same day. It was terrible. I held her hand as she passed away, crying, and feeling blessed and beyond honored to have had my amazing and courageous Grandmother for so long.
Since than things have been crazy!
We have been in the process of selling our home. We have been cleaning whenever possible. Today (February 13th) I just finished cleaning out the entire basement.
Tomorrow we are sheetrocking, spackling, painting, and clearing out more garbage. We have our Realtor who is so nice and helpful. So all is going well but so much at once it's almost nuts.
Than there are certain people in my family who can't keep their noses out of our business. It's really irritating. Almost insinuating that were stupid and don't have a brain between us. Since my Grandmother passed a member of our family felt the need to tell the entire family, including the extended family, some of which I don't even know, that we are having financial issues. So since last month, we have been receiving checks from family members all over the country. It's sad. Than they try and tell us what to do with OUR HOUSE again as If were brain dead. It's a punch in the throat if you ask me. I don't even want to see them right now. It's humiliating.
I have been unemployed since December 26th, I'm ok with it as there is so much for me to do right now.
I am glad to announce that after so long I have finally found my religion again. I was a total mess without it but now I feel whole again. Like nothing and noone could ever bring me down again. I'm honored to have my faith back and to have been welcomed back to my church by so many.
I won't complain as complaining gets you nowhere. I explain the events as they happen, to better understand. I know God has plans for me bigger than I have for myself. I trust him before anyone and everyone else. So even if it seems my day isn't going the way I anticipated it, God made it this way because in the end it could always be worse. I wake up everyday, happy, healthy, sheltered, with clothes, food, water, family, and friends, a reliable form of transportation, love in my heart and a brain in my head. I'm me and that's all I ever need to be.
So that's what has been happening since New Years. I hope everyone has been well.
I'm sorry.
If you follow me on Facebook or instagram you already know just how crazy everything is right now.
But to fill you in better let me start from the beginning.
On January 1st 2015 I had a dream that felt so incredibly real it was bizarre. We'll in my dream I was at Mike's beach. I saw myself walking along the beach, finally coming to a spot and sitting. Watching the water and the beautiful sunset pass. I was crying. Than all of a sudden Mike appeared, walked over to me, and put his arms around me as if to comfort me. His embrace felt so real that when I woke up, I still felt him holding onto me.
January 2nd came like any other day. However little did I know this day was ultimately the beginning of the end. My Grandmother was slipping farther and farther away. This day she was finding trouble trying to walk herself to the bathroom. My mother and my Grandmothers aid had to get the wheelchair to the bathroom to help her back. You see, my Grandmother is a very stubborn, old school italian woman, who never went to the Doctor or anything. So for her to agree to go to the Hospital was actually quite scary. Than I realized what Mike was telling me about the night before.
January 18th was another normal day. Mom went to visit Grandma in the Hospital in the morning. Than she came home and we went to an amazing Irish pub/Restaurant in Blue Point (NY) called Cavanaughs. It was the last Sunday before the Superbowl game. The championship finals. 3:05pm the game started between the Seahawks and the Packers. It was only the second game of the season I was able to watch, thanks to work. 3:15 came we just got our food and the game was really starting up when Mom got a call from the Hospital. It was the Nurses from my Grandmothers unit saying that she had slipped into Cardiac Arrest and that the Doctors were working on her at that moment. The amount of time it took for me to run through the restaurant grab the bill, and pay was less than a minute. A typical 30 min drive back to West Islip would take only 15 Min. We arrived at the Hospital, jumped out of the car and ran in. The Nurses and Doctors were still in her room, they just got her back. She was undergoing a few heart tests and having everything monitored. She would be transferred back up to ICU that night.
That night only grew worse as our fears became a reality. The Nurse from ICU said that all her tests were coming back bad. They gave her a matter of hours.
January 19th 2015. Grandma was still in ICU and still sedated as they had to put an arterial blood pressure valve in to better monitor her. She was still doing terrible. Our entire family was notified. Some even came up. I was thankful to have a few moments alone with her before hand. I explained to her that she didn't need to be afraid to leave us because it was now her time to be happy and to take care of herself. She was finally able to be with her Husband and her sister again. I told her all about Mike and how he will make her laugh and probably pee her pants. I heard a faint "uh huh" coming from her. Even though apart of me knew she wasn't truly there anymore, I know she knew and that she understood. Better yet I knew that she was in control. 3:30 all the machines went off, and slowly her time here on Earth came to an end. She passed away around 4:30pm that same day. It was terrible. I held her hand as she passed away, crying, and feeling blessed and beyond honored to have had my amazing and courageous Grandmother for so long.
Since than things have been crazy!
We have been in the process of selling our home. We have been cleaning whenever possible. Today (February 13th) I just finished cleaning out the entire basement.
Tomorrow we are sheetrocking, spackling, painting, and clearing out more garbage. We have our Realtor who is so nice and helpful. So all is going well but so much at once it's almost nuts.
Than there are certain people in my family who can't keep their noses out of our business. It's really irritating. Almost insinuating that were stupid and don't have a brain between us. Since my Grandmother passed a member of our family felt the need to tell the entire family, including the extended family, some of which I don't even know, that we are having financial issues. So since last month, we have been receiving checks from family members all over the country. It's sad. Than they try and tell us what to do with OUR HOUSE again as If were brain dead. It's a punch in the throat if you ask me. I don't even want to see them right now. It's humiliating.
I have been unemployed since December 26th, I'm ok with it as there is so much for me to do right now.
I am glad to announce that after so long I have finally found my religion again. I was a total mess without it but now I feel whole again. Like nothing and noone could ever bring me down again. I'm honored to have my faith back and to have been welcomed back to my church by so many.
I won't complain as complaining gets you nowhere. I explain the events as they happen, to better understand. I know God has plans for me bigger than I have for myself. I trust him before anyone and everyone else. So even if it seems my day isn't going the way I anticipated it, God made it this way because in the end it could always be worse. I wake up everyday, happy, healthy, sheltered, with clothes, food, water, family, and friends, a reliable form of transportation, love in my heart and a brain in my head. I'm me and that's all I ever need to be.
So that's what has been happening since New Years. I hope everyone has been well.
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